“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I do believe in that statement, but sometimes you ask yourself can I just catch a break? If you have read my bio, you will know that I have been through ALOT over the last 11 years. The struggle I endured here in New York City is one for the books, but as they say, “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. I got to the point in life where I had the great job, the boyfriend; making money, friends, and family.... everything, I always wanted. I would think to myself, finally, everything I worked for I received it. Then here comes life and knocks me back down again. Just a FYI before we dive deeper. This blog is not a blog to have you all feel bad for me for what I went through, this blog is for everyone that can relate to my issues and I hope it can help.
Recently my boyfriend broke up with me; I will not get into all the details, as you all will be reading this for days. This man was everything to me. When this happened, I had to move out as we were living together and trying to find an apartment in New York City right now was crazy. The inventory is so low and the rents are through the roof. I went out every day, looked, and was denied by the board or the places were just gross. It was very defeating as I was so emotional about the break up that I would cry harder when I could not find a place to live. The pain of the break up was tearing me apart every day, breaking me down. I did not eat; I lost a lot of weight (which I’m already tiny so was not helpful) I was mentally in a very bad space. I finally got an apartment and I am slowly growing into it. I say that because it is a great space, but I did not want to move out, did not want any of this to happen. I moved in and all my girlfriends and family said, you have to stay busy to forget about him. So I did, I went out a lot and was trying to shove my feelings under a rug in hopes they would go away, but knew deep down the pain was killing me daily. Then it hit…. Fucking COVID! In the middle of this nightmare, I tested positive for COVID. UGH! Haven’t I been through enough? I know it is on a surge right now and everyone is getting it, but just did not need that on top of everything. I had to quarantine and sit in the apartment I just got alone with my thoughts. Can I just say what absolute HELL that was? Have you ever been forced to sit in your home and not be able to go anywhere and just listen to your thoughts or pain? I cried so hard every day to the point where I could not even catch my breath. I was the definition of HOT MESS. Yes, I have my friends and family to call me and they would tell me it will be ok, time would heal, you will meet someone great. I do know those things deep down, but I could not grasp it. I just sat there and felt sorry for myself every day. I would ask myself, why wasn’t I worth it? Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? It was such an unhealthy mental mind fuck. I was in such a bad place that I could not even get myself together to do in home yoga. (you know its bad when I write that). Let's continue...
It was towards the end of my quarantine that I stopped this. I stopped crying. I stopped beating myself up. I realized that this was I lesson that I was supposed to endure on my journey. I also want you all to understand this is not me bashing him in anyway. This is my outlet. Writing to you all is my outlet and not only does it help me, but I want it to help you. I realized that I got COVID because the universe needed me to sit down and deal with this. It saw me dealing with the pain the wrong way and needed to get me out of my own way. Unfortunately, that was COVID. The silver lining is it made me see that I am going to be ok. It made me stare the pain right in the eye and tell it to shut the fuck up. It showed me I am worth it, I am a great girlfriend and what we had just was not for me. Dealing with pain of someone you love hurting you is extremely hard, and we do not want to face it a lot of the time. We HAVE to though! Again, back to the statement I started with, “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” You have to fight every day for YOU! You have to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. We have to take the things that happen to us and acknowledge them so we can grow stronger. I think it is a lot harder for women as we are more emotional than men, but same for you guys out there if you are in this situation. We cannot hide our feelings, we cannot hide our pain. Let that darkness out so the light can shine on it and make things better for you. I can honestly say now I am a lot better, am I 100%... no, but I am stronger for it and I will continue to fight for my happiness daily. We all go through very hard times in life and sometimes it gets too tough. I have known people that can’t handle it and go to a worse outlets or become depressed. The pain is too much for them to handle and they fall off the wagon and harm themselves. We all deal with pain differently and understand that, but what I want everyone to take away from this is it did not kill you and it will make you stronger. Write it down; say it repeatedly in your head until you are obsessed with it. Write down all the blessings you do have in life. Yes, it is very easy to forget how blessed we are and just feel bad for ourselves. That was me, but you have to snap out of it. Again, this blog was not to make you all feel bad for me or say my ex is a bad guy because he isn’t. It is to help me help you. That is all I want out of these blogs and now that this year is ending, let’s all try a little harder to be vulnerable and be ok that something isn’t perfect or you are in pain. We all need help, and it is ok to ask for it. If you or someone you know is going through COVID, I wish you and them a very speedy recovery and know it will be ok. I wish you all the happiest and healthiest New Year! Remember pain will always be a thing in your life, but also know if you deal with it correctly it will make you so much stronger!
You are worth it and deserve the very best! Happy Holidays!
MUCH LOVE,
XOXO