Are you OK with being alone?
I was never the type of person that enjoyed being alone. I noticed myself really enjoying being alone after about two years into my yoga practice. I would use my weekends to really just enjoy time with myself. I obviously would go out as well, but really felt happiness with being alone and enjoyed it. Would have my “me” time and it was really lovely.
Then COVID-19 hit! The situation we are all in today is definitely a new adjustment for everyone. Two days ago I broke down… I had a panic attack and just started crying. I had no clue what was happening, as I have never had a panic attack before. I am a very positive person and really try my best to stay mindful, but I sure did fall off that wagon. I am doing this on my own, most people have their significant other, relatives, roommates, animals, or hell even a plant (maybe I’ll get a fish) so it is definitely a struggle. I felt so alone; I just kept saying to myself I am going to always be alone. I would walk down the street in tears, because there I was alone and random strangers had someone to talk to, laugh with, and I was just sitting on my own. (Note I am not mad at the random strangers)
I am not here to tell you all a sob story and to feel bad for me as I am very blessed. I am writing this to show that is ok to be vulnerable in this situation and hopefully someone that is alone can find comfort in reading this. I stay very busy with work, yoga and writing to you all, but the breakdown happened anyway. I always notice people say you need to be ok with being alone to be happy. I agree with that, but when you are in a situation with no human contact it is definitely a different ball game. I am totally ok with being alone, but that was when I at least had some sort of contact with people, the subway, work, yoga. This quarantine situation really does take a toll on your mental health, especially if you physically don’t have someone around. I never thought that would ever be me, I practice yoga, I meditate, I write in my journal, my mind is all rainbows and sunshine! Then there I was crying like a two year old! I really think life is about balance, and it is ok to have those bad days. It is ok to cry for no reason or just have a day where you stare out the window and have no thoughts or too many. As you all know, I try my very best to spread the love and positivity because that is who I am as a person. I sometimes bite off more than I can chew as I just want people to be happy especially my family and loved ones.
Now that I look back at my breakdown the other day, it wasn’t that I was so alone; it was that I was so overwhelmed and my body shut down. My body stopped me in my tracks, she was saying STOP AMANDA. I am sure this happens to you all, maybe sometimes more than it should or not enough. When these things happen, please acknowledge it, please notice the feelings. Ask yourself, why am I feeling like this? See if you can answer it, because if you can that is acknowledgement and you can get through it. I wanted to write this today to show you all I am human, I am vulnerable, I cry, I get angry. I am not perfect at all, and the yogi lifestyle is a lifestyle of positivity and mindfulness, but it is ok to have these days where you aren’t positive and you just want to curl up on the couch and watch movies. You have your day with your pint of Ben and Jerry’s, but you get up the next day and you get at it. Tomorrow is always a new day, a clean slate. Much love to the folks on the front line and ones that are alone, this will not last forever and I am here for you.
MUCH LOVE XOXO