Being ALONE

Are you OK with being alone?

I was never someone who liked being alone. It was about two years into my yoga practice when I started to truly enjoy solitude. I began spending my weekends savoring time by myself. Of course, I still went out, but I genuinely felt happy being alone and appreciated it. I cherished my "me" time, and it was truly delightful.

Then COVID-19 struck! The current situation is undoubtedly a new adjustment for everyone. Two days ago, I broke down... I experienced a panic attack and started crying. I had no idea what was happening, as I had never had a panic attack before. I am generally a very positive person and strive to remain mindful, but I certainly lost my footing. I am facing this alone, while most people have their significant other, relatives, roommates, pets, or even a plant (maybe I’ll get a fish), so it is definitely challenging. I felt so isolated; I kept telling myself I would always be alone. I would walk down the street in tears, seeing others with someone to talk to and laugh with, while I was just by myself. (Note: I am not upset with the strangers)

I'm not here to tell you a sob story or make you feel sorry for me, as I am very fortunate. I'm writing this to show that it's okay to be vulnerable in this situation, and hopefully, someone who feels alone can find comfort in reading this. I keep myself busy with work, yoga, and writing to you all, but the breakdown happened anyway. I often hear people say you need to be okay with being alone to be happy. I agree with that, but when you're in a situation with no human contact, it's a completely different experience. I'm totally fine with being alone, but that was when I at least had some form of contact with people, like on the subway, at work, or during yoga. This quarantine situation really does impact your mental health, especially if you physically don't have someone around. I never thought that would be me; I practice yoga, meditate, and write in my journal—my mind is usually full of positivity! But there I was, crying like a two-year-old! I truly believe life is about balance, and it's okay to have those bad days. It's okay to cry for no reason or just have a day where you stare out the window with no thoughts or too many. As you all know, I do my best to spread love and positivity because that's who I am. Sometimes I take on more than I can handle because I want people to be happy, especially my family and loved ones.

Reflecting on my recent breakdown, I realize it wasn't just about feeling alone; it was being so overwhelmed that my body shut down. My body was telling me to stop, saying STOP AMANDA. I'm sure this happens to many of you, perhaps more often than it should or not as much as it needs to. When these moments occur, please acknowledge them and notice your feelings. Ask yourself, why am I feeling this way? Try to answer it, because doing so is a form of acknowledgment, and it helps you move forward. I wanted to share this today to show you that I'm human, I'm vulnerable, I cry, I get angry. I'm far from perfect, and while the yogi lifestyle promotes positivity and mindfulness, it's okay to have days when you're not feeling positive and just want to relax on the couch and watch movies. Have your day with your pint of Ben and Jerry’s, but remember to get up the next day and tackle whatever comes. Tomorrow is always a new day, a fresh start. Sending much love to those on the front lines and those who are alone—this won't last forever, and I'm here for you.

MUCH LOVE

XOXO